MCC Welcome Center

For the past week we have been staying at the MCC Welcome Center in Akron, PA. It is a beautiful conglomerate of buildings centered around a very nice green space. We are within a short walk from a terrific park. The weather has been beautifully sunny and mild, reminding us of what Bogota might bring. There is a fantastic cook here, so we are relishing in the luxury of no cooking and very minimal cleaning up, as well as a loaded salad bar daily. The kids are adjusting to their orientation, and we are meeting phenomenal people, all called to service in different and interesting ways. While there is a lot of work still with logistics, we are beginning a phase of contemplation that will (hopefully) sustain us in the coming weeks.

Lake Huron

From Chicago we drove up north to my parent's cabin on the Les Cheaneax Islands of Lake Huron. This has become a very special place for us, and we had a cozy time with Aunts and Uncles and Grandparents and Cousins sipping tea and wine by the fire, sleeping in, exploring our way to rock island, and laughing late into the evening. I am perpetually grateful to my parents for creating space that nurtures us as a family, and allows us each year to renew connections with one another. We will try to take the memory of the coziness we felt there, and wrap it up to take along on our journey.

Chicago

We had to change our plans and go to Chicago on the way to the cabin this year. It was required that we all be present to obtain our Colombian visas. We were very prepared for the visa process (thanks to MCC) and had a lovely time in Chicago.

We visited the Museum of Science and Industry



We tried to fit in with our ipods at a bus stop.



We saw the world premier of the Harry Potter Exhibit, including Hermione's gown from the Yule ball, each intricate original wand used in the movies, Hagred's chair, and Doby himself.




And we gazed at the skyscrapers, which will soon feel like home to us.



It was a nice time as a family, though the absence of our dear friends in Kansas was a looming reality, and there was a sense of sadness close by.

All tucked in

After some lovely, tender BBQ ribs (and goodbyes), our house is all tucked in, and we are ready to head off. We were all pretty exhausted from the emotions involved, as well as the energy spent getting to this point in our journey.

Processing Decisions

Jen and I have often discussed how we each make decisions. That topic has come up regularly during the past 6 months as we have engaged in conversations with others about our decision to participate in an MCC term of service. Currently we are beginning our two weeks of MCC orientation and it seems this topic may surface yet again. Jen is busy completing the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator survey, which we will all review during our orientation at some point.

Much of our processing this decision has been about exactly that, how we process decisions. Typically, I am fairly reactionary and have a tendency to do what feels good. I am inclined to process decisions internally and engage in the process of deciding actively. By that I mean, I often go with my gut and prefer to figure things out as I go.

Jen's style, however, is quite different. She much prefers to gather information, discuss a variety of options with a variety of different sources and be sure she is doing the "right" thing. Consequently, her decisions are often well informed and thought through and it can take her long to arrive at a conclusion. In fact, after the decision is reached there is usually more for her to consider.

Obviously, both styles have their benefits and drawbacks. The trick is how to make them work together. That has certainly been an interesting experience for us.

I would have set off on an MCC term many years ago by now. However, I really wasn't interested in going without my family. So, it became important for me to take some very big steps back and approach the idea from Jen's point of view. This was necessary for Jen and a great experience for me as well. We participated in a Quaker model of discernment called a Clearness Committee, which allowed many of our well respected friends and acquaintances the opportunity of asking us challenging and important questions to help us reflect on the MCC opportunity. The committee also set up an environment that provided great opportunity for us to really hear each other.

Interestingly, I discovered through this process a couple of new things about Jen and myself. I have come to appreciate the ability Jen has to articulate her thought process as it occurs (something which is difficult for me to do personally). In addition, I see tremendous value in her approach to family and how that informs her decision making process...I have personally received great benefit from that over the years. I have also come to understand that I don't necessarily fly by the seat of my pants. It may appear that way at times, especially when I don't take the time to let people in on what I am thinking. I process thoughts and ideas much more internally than I realized before Jen and I began this process. So, when I first verbalize a significant idea or thought, it has usually surfaced from much internal processing and has been informed by a variety of areas of input.

These dynamics will continue to be interesting to me as we begin to navigate our way in a different culture, while sharing a position.

Overwhelmed

When Aaron and I decided to embark on an MCC term, we knew that many parts of that decision might overwhelm us. The last three weeks have been a whirlwind to us. We have been completely surrounded by friends helping us navigate all that it takes to make this move. Daily, without hesitation, they came and held us, doing all the work that needed to be done. We were overwhelmed with the energy and enthusiasm during their help and we continue to be overwhelmed by their love and dedication to us as a family. Thank you to all the elves who helped and all the other elves who offered help and well-wishes along the way (pictures to follow....)

This is SOME of what they did to help us....

sew my curtains
replace the window
feed the kids
trim back the bushes
sing “Ice, ice baby”
scrape the porch
buy groceries
replace the window again
feed the kids
say a prayer
sort all the playmobil toys
preserve childrens’ treasures
organize baby photos
sing “Wagon wheel”
feed the kids
wash the windows
sing “You’re my angel”
repair the wall
paint the wall
paint the wall again the right color
bring hot drinks
probably 12 trips to the thrift shop
find great deal on Chicago hotel
choose house paint
negotiate travel arrangements
google all directions
sing “Love is alive”
buy second hand suitcases
pack the suitcases
label all items.
inventory the house
host a Spanish camp
bring cold drinks
sing “I’ll fly away”
write a letter of recommendation
adopt our dog
call airline to negotiate size of luggage
measure all luggage
convince us we don’t need that
feed the kids
bake a rhubard pie
loan us some cash
feed the kids
mow the lawn
sort the clothes
sit with kids and sort more clothes
write silly notes
take pictures
laugh
sleep
sing the river song
buy more cold drinks
give advice for a stronger marriage
hold the babies
buy us toothpaste
go to the eye docter
store bikes
sell bikes
bring me coffee
adopt our frogs
sing “Give us hope to the end”
feed the kids
wash the cars
sort hardware
sleepovers
service the cars
go get boxes
teach the kids some Spanish
sell the cars
install a ceiling fan
rip out old knitting projects
say a prayer
take some pictures
sort the legos
bribe the children
go to the bank about eighteen times
fix the light
hardware store
get the mail (indefinitely)
get cold drinks
take care of the owls
spend gift cards
play soccer with us
comfort a sad child
pay bills
sing “Can’t help but wonder where I’m bound”
feed the kids
have a garage sale
drive for Thai food
go to the dentist
buy our vehicles
strip the hardware
put on doorknobs
stabilize the steps
laugh
spray for weeds
assemble boxes
learn some Spanish
stabilize the porch railing
bring cold drinks
stabilize the friend
help with new computer
take pictures
sort tools
buy appropriate chords and chargers
pack away dishes
throw out rotten food
repair broken chair
feed the kids
say a prayer
offer to keep things
feed the kids
mulch around the house
table time
list things on Craig’s
organize music
say we are doing the right thing
buys kids shoes
watch the US beat Spain in the Confederation’s Cup
take pictures
install lights
get cold drinks
sing “Every rose has its thorn”
cancel insurance
feed the kids
take some pictures
put a map on our blog
bring muffins over
take Jen swimming
send an encouraging email
buy a webcam
say a prayer
purchase a swimsuit
send the swimsuit back
purchase another swimsuit
purchase a matching swimsuit
order more luggage
find free luggage
make appointments
feed the kids
make copies of keys
make us laugh
go on dates
get cold drinks
give some advice
tell us to get up and work
feed the kids
buy popcicles
research rain in Bogota
make taco salad
dance on the patio
sing “Bust-a-move”
grill ribs
sing “Will the circle be unbroken?”
sleepovers
rent a van
sell the bikes
feed the kids
organize cables/wires
get cash
loan us money
bring some more salsa
wash our clothes
clean out spices
advise on shoes
send us poems
pick some flowers
bring cold drinks
leaving supper in the fridge
family swims
say some more prayers
loading brush
listen to Gypsy Kings
eat garden beets
feed the kids
trips to the dump
feed the kids
scrub the walls
carefully pack instruments
volunteer to take more on
be our banker
order a computer
make us ice cream sundaes
compliment the cleaning products
argue about leaky faucet
fix the leaky faucet
clean storage containers
talk about visiting
sleepovers
$4/day
feed the kids
bring me coffee
get cold drinks
scrubbed the mold on the washer
organized recycling
swept the floor
tell stories
buy more sticky notes
laugh some more
feed the kids
sing “If I had 1,000,000 dollars”
bring over garden green beans
make the beds
unmake the beds
get wet
rent some movies
sleepovers
take family pictures
leave us notes
go look for the stuffed monkey at the thrift store
find and return all library books
take more pictures
six loaves of bread
sing a bit more
return movies
organize all garden tools
pay late fees
wash sleeping bags
reserve museum tickets
bring cold drinks
feed the kids
polish the jewelry
explain “gorilla (guerilla) attack” to kids
cheese and crackers
sort all doll clothes
post ebay items
create a slide show
feed the kids
think logistics
get cold drinks
jump on the trampoline
make a scrapbook
buy our furniture
sing some Avril with Zoe
take more pictures
go get take-out again
say a prayer
transport luggage
organize earrings
use all the sticky notes in the house
take some more pictures
wash our clothes
picnic at the park
decorate the van
advice from MCC alumni
sidewalk chalk some blessings
take more pictures
load the car
bring us caffeine
know we will be together again
say “luv-ya-bye”

Last Meditation (or maybe the first)

This morning I gave my last Bethel College Cabinet meditation. We all rotate each week and the meditations are as varied as our Cabinet members. This time I chose to go into a little detail about how I approached my work with students and how it can also transfer to how the Administration can think about their role with others on campus and their leadership in general. This also signifies for me an end to my professional time with Bethel. My last day is tomorrow and it is certainly time to transition to thinking and preparing for Colombia.

The content, research, and methods briefly described below have been the focus of my professional development for a couple of years and have recently culminated into the final stages of an exciting trainer certification for me. It is my hope to continue to explore and implement these ideas in our work in Colombia.

These thoughts are pretty elementary. I am hoping to provide more examples and a little more depth in some upcoming posts.

Cabinet Meditation
June 11, 2009


The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Also known as the ethic or reciprocity.

We have all heard this saying countless times. In fact, I would guess that many of us try to implement this idea into our lives at some level. Often I have interpreted this saying as "Treat others like I would like to be treated". I simply looked at the literal translation: If I want to be treated fairly, nicely, lovingly, respectfully, then I should treat people in those ways and, at the same time, if people are treating me poorly I often find myself wondering how I can approach them differently so as to not illicit such a response.

Over the last 15 years I have thought off and on about the meaning of these ethics and what more there might be to them. I can say it probably all started here on this campus as a student when reading Engaging the Powers by Walter Wink...that was my first under the surface look at the notion of "turning the other cheek".

In the last five years I have stumbled across and engaged in various readings and trainings that I have found to have some deep connections to these lessons. In fact, much of my time at Bethel has been a time of regular attempts at putting these morals into practice and discovering how truly profound they can be. To better illustrate how this has transpired I would like to take the next few minutes to describe for you some of the assumptions under which I have been working and even some of the behavioral research that has informed my work with students on a personal level over the last several years. I'll attempt to refrain from "researchy" language however.

First, I approach life (at least when it comes to this area) with two assumptions:

1. Individual human behavior is highly predictable.
2. There is incredible variety and opportunity for growth and change within each person.

Yes, these assumptions appear to be incredibly opposed to each other. We will see if I can clarify AND bring us back around to maybe a slightly different understanding of Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

It is clear to me through reading, studying, observation, and personal experimentation that the vast majority of us have one of a few lenses through which we view the world and a clear set of what can be called psychological needs. The psychological needs we can think of as the specific information, beliefs, contact, emotion, alone time, and action that, when met appropriately, will fill our tank and keep us operating in healthy ways.

An example: For myself, and people fairly similar to me, the way we come at the world is through likes and dislikes. Typically we filter the world and what comes at us with a fairly immediate reaction (like or dislike) first before moving on to other perceptions. We are motivated by contact or physical interaction and usually seek out what we think will be fun, exciting, or creative. In addition, there is a set of very observable behaviors that we can go through when experiencing distress and there are distinct and efficient methods for bringing us out of distress.

Where as, another sizable group of people may experience the world and what it has to offer through their values, beliefs, and opinions and they are motivated by recognition of their work and convictions. They too experience a very observable set of behaviors when experiencing distress and have a different set of distinct ways to bring them out of distress.

An even more specific example: My first descripition fits my personality structure it is the way I come at the world the majority of the time if I have the option. The second description would fit many people that usually sit around this table and also fits my wife. It is beneficial at this point for me to say again, that these descriptions do not begin to describe the intricacies, variations, and details within each of us. There is much more depth that I am going in to today. I am not at all interested in ideas that pigeon hole people. These brief descriptions simply provide a framework for communication that research has shown to be quite reliable. So, the specific example...

Given our very different profiles I'll briefly describe the same situation from the perspective of Jen and me:

When staying home with the kids I would focus the vast majority of my attention on the kids and not really pay attention to other household issues. It was more FUN to interact with the kids, play, visit other families, and take little field trips...whatever moved us.

Jen, however, would provide excellent care for the children, attending to their needs, address household chores with efficiency, and plan each day to provide the best value for our childrens growth and education.

Jen would come from work all day and ask me "What did you DO today" and I would ask her "How ARE you". Can you see the different styles and preceptions used not only in the behavior but even in the words, gestures, postures, and tones? I think we were attempting to give each other what we needed ourselves. I won't tell you how those interactions continued!

There are four other distinct behavioral groups that are all different from each other and different from what I have discribed thus far.

Interestingly enough, all six of these can be found within each person to variying degrees and can be accessed and nurtured with practice. Moreover there is also potential for our lense and motivators to change, which all means there is an incredible amount of variety within each person.

So, maybe now it is more clear why I can operate under these two seemingly oppossed assumptions: on one hand our behavior is highly predictable in an observable way given our individual make-up and yet there is great variation and room for change in each of us.

How the heck does this apply to the Golden Rule?

The research, which provides a framework and roadmap for understanding behavior by grouping our behavior into 6 very distinct types as I mentioned, also provides a clear process for connecting AND motivating each type. In other words, all of us can learn to communicate with others like us and different from us in ways that help insure we are connecting and also in ways that are motivating. In fact, many people are quite natural at this.

The point...what if the ethic of reciprocity or the Golden Rule doesn't mean just treat each others like you want to be treated. Rather, what if it was more to the point to think of it as "Treat others in ways to best connect and motivate them given who THEY are not what we need"

If I meet a person who receives the world through a lense that sees logic, work, and thinking and is motivated by recognition of work and time structures but I try to connect and motivate them by interacting with them the way I am wired or the way I want to be treated (slapping them on the shoulder and saying "what's up dogg") we will be miscommunicating for sure and I no longer believe I would be living by the Golden Rule.

All this is to say, if we are aware of the variables involved with connecting and motivating people is it appropriate to treat them the way we prefer to be treated or is it more efficient and beneficial to interact to meet the needs of others first? That seems to feel better. In fact, the beauty is when people experience interactions suited to their needs they can more easily reciprocate to meet the needs of others. It is a win-win.

At the micro level it pays to be cognizant of our own preferences how they inform our own behavior in everyday interactions, including in distressful situations, and how they differ from others around us. You may leave your desk clear and clean everyday and not everyone does. Your most trusted colleague or loved one may prefer to wing it or be spontaneous and you may think or believe that is irresponsible or inefficient. Giving them a planner and itinerary may not be well received.

At the macro level this has implications as well. At Bethel we prize tradition, commitment, mission, integrity, and rigor among other things. By analysis of the words we use alone we have the potential to resonate with at best 40-50% of the 18yr olds with whom we come in contact. I think a closer look would reveal closer to 30%. The rest of them resonate with fun, incidence (action), imagination, and feelings.

The process of working here has developed my sense and abilities of what it takes to work within systems and with a close group of people. Thank you for your unique contribution to Bethel and to my own life. My hope for each of you as a Cabinet is that you find ways to better connect and motivate each other and our campus community.

Update: I failed to mention, in this blog post, that much of this information I learned from the Process Communications Model (developed by Taibi Kahler) and Nate Regier.