Thursday, July 21, 2011
Parenting
"When you parent, you fall in love with a person who is always changing into someone else, and who you know will leave you." Elizabeth Lesser
Saturday, July 2, 2011
More Disclaimers
I recently read a good post here from service workers in Haiti, and it reminded me that it has been awhile since I have given a disclaimer for this site. So here goes...
1. This site was designed by us as a way to communicate with our supporting congregations, our families, our friends, and as a way for us to journal or document our family's experience in Colombia.
2. We do not have special expertise in Colombian culture or heritage. We are foreigners who are finding our way, exploring the newness, and appreciating what we find as it is discovered.
3. Our thoughts, reflections and experiences are our own. They do not always reflect the opinions or philosophy of Mennonite Central Committee, or Mennonites in general, and they are not edited by either entity.
4. Many times we are posting reflections which we know are not rooted in research or data. This is not an academic site backed by objective data. There are other places to go for that.
5. If we offend any person, Colombian or not, by our thoughts, we apologize deeply, and we welcome dialogue with you about this offense.
6. Most of the posts are written by Jen. That means they are her perspective, based in her thoughts and feelings. It is quite possible I have misrepresented a member of my immediate family in a post, and for this, I am sorry.
7. One of our favorite things is to receive comments on our blog. Each time, it is like a little present, knowing that someone is reading and is interested in our time here. We have occasionally received offensive comments, which have been deleted. Please leave us comments, and please be kind and thoughtful in the process of doing so.
8. I have received feedback that people would like to read more about my work. I understand that completely, but there are also security factors that prevent me from talking too specifically on a public blog about my work. I will reflect on work issues in general, but I cannot put the people I am accompanying in any additional risks by publishing more details here.
9. Faith. Each member of our family, and each volunteer with Mennonite Central Committee has a unique faith. And while there are things that bind us together, the varied part can cause discomfort and misunderstanding. Please understand that our faith journeys are complicated and much deeper than the little that can be expressed in this venue.
10. Feel free to link to our posts, if you feel called to do so. We would love to know about it so we can know who is reading about our journey here in Colombia.
Thank you for reading!
1. This site was designed by us as a way to communicate with our supporting congregations, our families, our friends, and as a way for us to journal or document our family's experience in Colombia.
2. We do not have special expertise in Colombian culture or heritage. We are foreigners who are finding our way, exploring the newness, and appreciating what we find as it is discovered.
3. Our thoughts, reflections and experiences are our own. They do not always reflect the opinions or philosophy of Mennonite Central Committee, or Mennonites in general, and they are not edited by either entity.
4. Many times we are posting reflections which we know are not rooted in research or data. This is not an academic site backed by objective data. There are other places to go for that.
5. If we offend any person, Colombian or not, by our thoughts, we apologize deeply, and we welcome dialogue with you about this offense.
6. Most of the posts are written by Jen. That means they are her perspective, based in her thoughts and feelings. It is quite possible I have misrepresented a member of my immediate family in a post, and for this, I am sorry.
7. One of our favorite things is to receive comments on our blog. Each time, it is like a little present, knowing that someone is reading and is interested in our time here. We have occasionally received offensive comments, which have been deleted. Please leave us comments, and please be kind and thoughtful in the process of doing so.
8. I have received feedback that people would like to read more about my work. I understand that completely, but there are also security factors that prevent me from talking too specifically on a public blog about my work. I will reflect on work issues in general, but I cannot put the people I am accompanying in any additional risks by publishing more details here.
9. Faith. Each member of our family, and each volunteer with Mennonite Central Committee has a unique faith. And while there are things that bind us together, the varied part can cause discomfort and misunderstanding. Please understand that our faith journeys are complicated and much deeper than the little that can be expressed in this venue.
10. Feel free to link to our posts, if you feel called to do so. We would love to know about it so we can know who is reading about our journey here in Colombia.
Thank you for reading!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Futbol in Colombia
I have been watching this man play soccer for almost 20 years. And I have been a fan of the game for much longer than that. I love sitting outside on the grass and watching a good soccer game.
After a year of living here, Aaron finally found an adult league that needed another player through a connection at our church, Tierra Linda. He agreed to play on most Sundays with them. Usually, the games are so far away that we don't go to watch, but this past Sunday it was closer and we were able to go enjoy a beautiful day outdoors watching him play.
Soccer, as well as other rigorous sporting events, has a profound mental health affect on Aaron. I contest it is just as strong as Prozac might be for him, taking the edge off of stress, depression, or anxiety. He comes home feeling relaxed and ready to go. For this, it is definitely worth it for him to take the time to work out. And, while it is sometimes frustrating that his almost-40 year old body cannot do the same things as his 20 year old body could he still outplays a lot of younger Colombians and is a valued member of his team.
In addition to personal frustrations, he has experienced some cultural frustrations as well. We talked about this together, and he explained a little more about these factors.
In general, there is good individual skill, an instinctual knowledge about how to play strategically, but there is a lack of refinement because it has all been informal. For this reason, the most detrimental aspect of the game is mental. Some people theorize that this is why Colombia has not made their mark in the international soccer arena, and the effect of a traumatized society comes through in the game. Talent is used as self-protection, self-promotion, not as a way to contribute to a greater good.
Colombia is a highly relational, verbal, and hierarchical culture which values individual expression of opinion and judgement. This gets expressed on the field by difficult teamwork. It is more common to see a lot of critique (yelling at each other) about individual play, competition between players of the same team, and "ball hogging."
This is not so different than the "norms" of cutting in line, running lights, and not waiting for pedestrians. People are trying to get ahead of each other. "If I have something, I do what I can to keep it and if I have an opportunity to get more, I take it." It becomes very individualistic.
As a man who has coached and analyzed soccer for years, this can be very frustrating. But I am proud that he is making connections, new understandings, fostering his love of the game, and getting some of what he needs physically. And it was so very fun for all of us to watch him play again.
Andy made friends and hunted for bugs right away, and there was a good amount of physical contact between siblings who were glad to be together again.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Shared Motherhood
Due to the intensity of my work here, I have sought out evening outlets that allow me to release the sadness and tension of trauma and allow me to sleep well. Some times this involves playing with my puppy outside. Sometimes reading a book (that is not about trauma). Some times it involves finding something “fluffy” to watch on television.
One of my fluffy finds recently has been a show about polygamy. I will admit it is my second one. I am not a polygamist. I don’t identify with it as a lifestyle, or religious stance. I am not in any way excited for Aaron to have several partners. However, there has been something in these shows that pulls me in, and when I was talking with Aaron about it, it became clear to me what it was.
These women, the “sister wives” share a bond and a connection that really in my opinion has nothing to do with the husband. They have chosen to live in an intentional way that offers them the opportunity to share motherhood. They live with the absolute security and satisfaction that their children have other mothers who will always love and care for them. They consider the children of their sister wife their own children. They find companionship in the daily tasks of living, from household work to faith, to parenting, and finances. They live in a way that makes sharing a pervasive and ordinary part of life.
This is not so unlike another little escaping habit I have formed. There are hundreds of blog networks and pod casts that have been created by mothers. Mothers who want to share their experiences, their life challenges, their faith, their joys and sorrows. And in a very different way, they are also living in community....finding friends and connections in the virtual world that they understand to be real, exposing very intimate, close, and shared experiences of everyday life.
In this framework, I, too, have been blessed by the ability to share my experience of motherhood with so many, and to do so in a way that my own Mennonite faith dictates: by living in community. There are so very many examples, but here are a few:
-I have shared motherhood with my husband. As a full time stay-at-home Dad, he has taken on the primary care role with our children. It was not uncommon for me to call home from work and ask what they were doing. He would respond by saying they were “nursing and reading Mothering Magazine together.” The fact that he referred to giving her a bottle as “nursing” was initially a joke around the house, but I later understood it to be his way to express the intentional and strong way he felt connected to our babies.
-Living far away from Grandparents made me very grateful for the child care co-op that we organized within our church community. Once a month, two couples would keep all of the kids for four hours while the others could go out on a date, or spend some quiet, uninterrupted time at home together. I am thankful for Jan, Jon, Amy, Matt, Eric, Yolanda, Sid, Sarah, Cheryl, and Bob, Tom and Martha for giving me that time and for mothering my children.
-Informal and numerous child care and meal swaps with Rachel, Sara, Megan, Kristin, Cheryl, Aimee, Andi, Christy, and other neighbors and friends alike.
-A very generous friend, who longs to be a mother who would without hesitation welcome my own children into her house and leave them special Easter treats as her way of mothering them.
-Bittersweet coffee gatherings with mothers and fathers after drop-off on the first day of school.
-An almost twelve year tradition of weekly meals prepared and shared between two families.
-Feeling the freedom and comfort to let my mother or sisters or brother have my children and love them unconditionally.
-I remember getting together to can peaches with Beverly, Cheryl, Yolanda, and Kristin so that our children could taste sweetness all winter long, and also so that we could honor a child that did not make it into this world.
-Elizabeth, who came to cook for and play with my children while I was sick in bed and Aaron was unavailable.
-I am so thankful for Lu Ann, who spontaneously took my kids to the pool, or magically put a pint of fresh salsa or cranberry relish in my fridge when I would get home from a long day and need something fresh.
-Sara and I would nurse our toddlers all the way through the Sedgwick County Zoo and then come home together to fold each others’ laundry and keep one another company. Many afternoons turned to evening meals shared and later evening conversations and connections.
-Spending time with Kristin and her enthusiasm for mothering only magnified my own. Whatever creative parenting ideas sprouted from our conversations were met with “Oh, yes, we can do that! Sure we can” And then we did. Joyfully.
In the last fourteen years, I have been privileged to call myself a mother. I have found so many mothering mentors that have helped me. Joan, Susan, Deb, Lois, Ruth, Vicki, Ellen, GB, Jeanne, Mary, my many aunts, and so many more have been the spirits that help to guide my path, to encourage me, to help me to understand this privilege and responsibility.
I think my own mother taught me well how to parent with open doors. Her house exhibited openness, literally and figuratively to so many different friends, children, pets, and strangers. Her willingness to let other people in helped me be open to giving and receiving love from so many.
I have lent my kids to numerous babysitters, teachers, coaches, mentors, and friends, and so many of them give my own children the best that they can to nurture them and help them grow. They need feedback, attention, tender loving care, encouragement, inspiration, and challenge. And all this happens without me.
No wonder when I am in a crowded, busy place, where it may be easy for my kids to get lost, the advice I most often given is “Go find someone that looks like a mother. She will understand. She will help you.” And while I am quite sure that this does not keep them 100% safe, I feel secure that they will likely be shepherded and mothered right back to me.
It is a blessing to reflect on the many mothers who have shared this journey with me. I am grateful and humbled by their generosity, and I feel deeply committed to doing the same for others whenever I am given the opportunity to share motherhood. My faith draws me into community; sharing our resources, our food, our feelings, our dreams our ideas and yes, our children too.
*** There are women who have shared this journey with me who I have not mentioned by name. I am sorry. You are not any less important than those that are listed, and I thank you deeply.***
One of my fluffy finds recently has been a show about polygamy. I will admit it is my second one. I am not a polygamist. I don’t identify with it as a lifestyle, or religious stance. I am not in any way excited for Aaron to have several partners. However, there has been something in these shows that pulls me in, and when I was talking with Aaron about it, it became clear to me what it was.
These women, the “sister wives” share a bond and a connection that really in my opinion has nothing to do with the husband. They have chosen to live in an intentional way that offers them the opportunity to share motherhood. They live with the absolute security and satisfaction that their children have other mothers who will always love and care for them. They consider the children of their sister wife their own children. They find companionship in the daily tasks of living, from household work to faith, to parenting, and finances. They live in a way that makes sharing a pervasive and ordinary part of life.
This is not so unlike another little escaping habit I have formed. There are hundreds of blog networks and pod casts that have been created by mothers. Mothers who want to share their experiences, their life challenges, their faith, their joys and sorrows. And in a very different way, they are also living in community....finding friends and connections in the virtual world that they understand to be real, exposing very intimate, close, and shared experiences of everyday life.
In this framework, I, too, have been blessed by the ability to share my experience of motherhood with so many, and to do so in a way that my own Mennonite faith dictates: by living in community. There are so very many examples, but here are a few:
-I have shared motherhood with my husband. As a full time stay-at-home Dad, he has taken on the primary care role with our children. It was not uncommon for me to call home from work and ask what they were doing. He would respond by saying they were “nursing and reading Mothering Magazine together.” The fact that he referred to giving her a bottle as “nursing” was initially a joke around the house, but I later understood it to be his way to express the intentional and strong way he felt connected to our babies.
-Living far away from Grandparents made me very grateful for the child care co-op that we organized within our church community. Once a month, two couples would keep all of the kids for four hours while the others could go out on a date, or spend some quiet, uninterrupted time at home together. I am thankful for Jan, Jon, Amy, Matt, Eric, Yolanda, Sid, Sarah, Cheryl, and Bob, Tom and Martha for giving me that time and for mothering my children.
-Informal and numerous child care and meal swaps with Rachel, Sara, Megan, Kristin, Cheryl, Aimee, Andi, Christy, and other neighbors and friends alike.
-A very generous friend, who longs to be a mother who would without hesitation welcome my own children into her house and leave them special Easter treats as her way of mothering them.
-Bittersweet coffee gatherings with mothers and fathers after drop-off on the first day of school.
-An almost twelve year tradition of weekly meals prepared and shared between two families.
-Feeling the freedom and comfort to let my mother or sisters or brother have my children and love them unconditionally.
-I remember getting together to can peaches with Beverly, Cheryl, Yolanda, and Kristin so that our children could taste sweetness all winter long, and also so that we could honor a child that did not make it into this world.
-Elizabeth, who came to cook for and play with my children while I was sick in bed and Aaron was unavailable.
-I am so thankful for Lu Ann, who spontaneously took my kids to the pool, or magically put a pint of fresh salsa or cranberry relish in my fridge when I would get home from a long day and need something fresh.
-Sara and I would nurse our toddlers all the way through the Sedgwick County Zoo and then come home together to fold each others’ laundry and keep one another company. Many afternoons turned to evening meals shared and later evening conversations and connections.
-Spending time with Kristin and her enthusiasm for mothering only magnified my own. Whatever creative parenting ideas sprouted from our conversations were met with “Oh, yes, we can do that! Sure we can” And then we did. Joyfully.
In the last fourteen years, I have been privileged to call myself a mother. I have found so many mothering mentors that have helped me. Joan, Susan, Deb, Lois, Ruth, Vicki, Ellen, GB, Jeanne, Mary, my many aunts, and so many more have been the spirits that help to guide my path, to encourage me, to help me to understand this privilege and responsibility.
I think my own mother taught me well how to parent with open doors. Her house exhibited openness, literally and figuratively to so many different friends, children, pets, and strangers. Her willingness to let other people in helped me be open to giving and receiving love from so many.
I have lent my kids to numerous babysitters, teachers, coaches, mentors, and friends, and so many of them give my own children the best that they can to nurture them and help them grow. They need feedback, attention, tender loving care, encouragement, inspiration, and challenge. And all this happens without me.
No wonder when I am in a crowded, busy place, where it may be easy for my kids to get lost, the advice I most often given is “Go find someone that looks like a mother. She will understand. She will help you.” And while I am quite sure that this does not keep them 100% safe, I feel secure that they will likely be shepherded and mothered right back to me.
It is a blessing to reflect on the many mothers who have shared this journey with me. I am grateful and humbled by their generosity, and I feel deeply committed to doing the same for others whenever I am given the opportunity to share motherhood. My faith draws me into community; sharing our resources, our food, our feelings, our dreams our ideas and yes, our children too.
*** There are women who have shared this journey with me who I have not mentioned by name. I am sorry. You are not any less important than those that are listed, and I thank you deeply.***
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Dia de Colombianidad
It truly is a beautiful thing to live in a country with such rich and passionate cultural heritage. The primary school hosted a "Dia de Colombianidad" which incorporated music, food, traditional clothing, dance, history and culture for all the different regions of Colombia. It was a wonderful, project-based opportunity for the kids to learn more about their own history, culture, and traditions. Our two were the only North Americans participating, but all the teachers said they fit in just perfectly as "100% Colombians." At this point, they are learning more Latin American history and culture than they are learning about US history and culture.
For Abby, this was the pay-back for a whole year in uniforms. The girls got to go to school in fancy dress-up, instructed to put flowers in their hair and wear make-up.
For Andy, it was a pretty unhappy day.
(but I still got a little smile)
He worked very hard to contribute to his "regional booth." He went early to help set up, he brought in food and made signs. But, generally anything that is going to draw unnecessary attention to him makes him angry. Add this to the immobility he suffers from on crutches contrasted with the fact that most of his friends were running around, dancing, and having a good time, he was not so happy. Still, he has mentioned several times about the things he learned, and I know he has a solid respect for the culture within which he is living.
Don't you just wish you could do this?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
A Privileged Faith
I believe in prayer. I think I always have. And while most of my life I have prayed in silence or through song, I did spend a good amount of 2009 learning how to pray with words too. I have always felt that it is a profound and sincere way to offer support within a community, to release stress and re-focus one’s energy, and to come to a more grounded sense of living.
However, I have felt incredibly uncomfortable when I have been in circumstances where people have asked for specific interventions from God. If there was a continuum of those who give all credit for our actions to human agency and those who give all credit to the “will of God,” I would have been well over on the human agency side. I believe that people have choices, they make decisions, sometimes good ones and sometimes bad, but they are of their own doing, not of God’s. And when there IS divine intervention, it is not a response to one person’s private petition, but rather, a way of putting things right with the universe, the way they “should be.” In the same way, I do not believe that God punishes us because of the choices we have made, or that human suffering as a result of natural disaster, disease, or untimely death is purposely driven by God.
In Colombia there is a common phrase that people use in conversations: “Si Dios quiere.” This is a phrase that has irritated me greatly because it is used in very common contexts like, “Yes, I will make it to this meeting, if God wants.” Or, “Yes, I will complete that task tonight, if God wants.” In my most skeptical moments, I felt like it is a written-in cop-out. No matter what the outcome, they had God to blame if things did not work out for them. This is a theological phenomenon that happens a lot here in Colombia and I would venture to say in many parts of Latin America. And it rubbed me the wrong way.
For example, I have had many people who share testimonies with me that say that because they are people of such profound faith, God has sent them angels and has saved them from murder and kidnapping attempts. They don’t think that any of their actions have resulted in their safety, only their prayers. Or, I have heard that God condoned a massacre because most of the people killed were Catholics and he was punishing them for their faith. I do not believe that God gives “preferential protection” to save some of us over others. There is nothing that confirms for me that God will protect one family over another because of their prayers. I think it is a harmful and very judgemental assumption to make.
When the pastor here was talking to me about a threatened family we were working with, he said with complete sincerity, “We’ll see if God can keep them alive this weekend.” This made me pause to think.
The families that come to our church for help...
They cannot call the police for protection when someone is trying to harm them.
They cannot get basic health care for their children when they are abused, much less any legal processes that might help them recuperate.
They have been shot at, just leaving the house to try and buy milk for their children for breakfast.
They have lost contact with their extended families, their friends, their communities.
They are often living in substandard conditions, without secure shelter, food, or a comfortable place to rest.
They must change their physical appearance just to leave the house, hoping that they will not be recognized by their perpetrators.
They do not receive help from the government, nor recognition for what they have lost.
They do not have the luxury of picking up a telephone and calling a friend for help, as many of these calls are monitored and will potentially put them in harms way.
So the question for me becomes, what is left?
I realize now, that my perspective on what is appropriate or not appropriate to ask for in prayer was based on my ability and my understanding of what it is like to live a privileged life. Never, in the history of my Grandparents, my parents, my own life, nor what I can imagine of my childrens’ lives could we conceive of a time or space where there was nothing left but prayer.
This has changed me. I don’t think I will start asking God to do for me what in reality I can do for myself, but it has helped me to understand that we pray based on what we have, what we feel we can control in life and what we can’t.
And so today we surrounded a mourning mother, who does not have many options in life. I took her hand. I bowed my head and closed my eyes. I let the words of the prayer swirl around me. Several of us were all praying at the same time.
We cannot protect her children.
We cannot find her husband for her.
We cannot erase the images she has in her mind of torture and trauma.
We cannot give her a safe place to live.
We cannot give her any guarantee that she will be alive tomorrow.
So we pray.
And she leaves us feeling a little bit stronger, a little less sorrowful, and a little more hopeful for the next few hours to come. And that is all. she. has.
However, I have felt incredibly uncomfortable when I have been in circumstances where people have asked for specific interventions from God. If there was a continuum of those who give all credit for our actions to human agency and those who give all credit to the “will of God,” I would have been well over on the human agency side. I believe that people have choices, they make decisions, sometimes good ones and sometimes bad, but they are of their own doing, not of God’s. And when there IS divine intervention, it is not a response to one person’s private petition, but rather, a way of putting things right with the universe, the way they “should be.” In the same way, I do not believe that God punishes us because of the choices we have made, or that human suffering as a result of natural disaster, disease, or untimely death is purposely driven by God.
In Colombia there is a common phrase that people use in conversations: “Si Dios quiere.” This is a phrase that has irritated me greatly because it is used in very common contexts like, “Yes, I will make it to this meeting, if God wants.” Or, “Yes, I will complete that task tonight, if God wants.” In my most skeptical moments, I felt like it is a written-in cop-out. No matter what the outcome, they had God to blame if things did not work out for them. This is a theological phenomenon that happens a lot here in Colombia and I would venture to say in many parts of Latin America. And it rubbed me the wrong way.
For example, I have had many people who share testimonies with me that say that because they are people of such profound faith, God has sent them angels and has saved them from murder and kidnapping attempts. They don’t think that any of their actions have resulted in their safety, only their prayers. Or, I have heard that God condoned a massacre because most of the people killed were Catholics and he was punishing them for their faith. I do not believe that God gives “preferential protection” to save some of us over others. There is nothing that confirms for me that God will protect one family over another because of their prayers. I think it is a harmful and very judgemental assumption to make.
When the pastor here was talking to me about a threatened family we were working with, he said with complete sincerity, “We’ll see if God can keep them alive this weekend.” This made me pause to think.
The families that come to our church for help...
They cannot call the police for protection when someone is trying to harm them.
They cannot get basic health care for their children when they are abused, much less any legal processes that might help them recuperate.
They have been shot at, just leaving the house to try and buy milk for their children for breakfast.
They have lost contact with their extended families, their friends, their communities.
They are often living in substandard conditions, without secure shelter, food, or a comfortable place to rest.
They must change their physical appearance just to leave the house, hoping that they will not be recognized by their perpetrators.
They do not receive help from the government, nor recognition for what they have lost.
They do not have the luxury of picking up a telephone and calling a friend for help, as many of these calls are monitored and will potentially put them in harms way.
So the question for me becomes, what is left?
I realize now, that my perspective on what is appropriate or not appropriate to ask for in prayer was based on my ability and my understanding of what it is like to live a privileged life. Never, in the history of my Grandparents, my parents, my own life, nor what I can imagine of my childrens’ lives could we conceive of a time or space where there was nothing left but prayer.
This has changed me. I don’t think I will start asking God to do for me what in reality I can do for myself, but it has helped me to understand that we pray based on what we have, what we feel we can control in life and what we can’t.
And so today we surrounded a mourning mother, who does not have many options in life. I took her hand. I bowed my head and closed my eyes. I let the words of the prayer swirl around me. Several of us were all praying at the same time.
We cannot protect her children.
We cannot find her husband for her.
We cannot erase the images she has in her mind of torture and trauma.
We cannot give her a safe place to live.
We cannot give her any guarantee that she will be alive tomorrow.
So we pray.
And she leaves us feeling a little bit stronger, a little less sorrowful, and a little more hopeful for the next few hours to come. And that is all. she. has.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
MCC Colombia Kids
When we arrived, this was the crew of MCC kids living in Colombia.
And here they are today.
Blessed be.
And here they are today.
Blessed be.
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