Transformation

Noise

I have always had very sensitive ears. I can find pitches very easily, whether it be for the purposes of harmony or unity. I am quick to notice in a performance, casual or formal when there is a problem with intonation. I do not like it when the radio is playing and the television is on, even in another room, and it is very difficult for me when there is music playing (especially with words) along with a lively conversation in which I am engaged. I find myself physically irritated when in a small space, like an elevator or hallway and there is loud background music. When I have memories, they are almost always associated with sound, good and bad. I often attribute "theme songs" to certain periods of my life, almost like an audio scrapbook. I know my brother and sisters do this too.

When I was a child, my parents raised me in their version of a faith-based hippie commune called "Quaker Earth" and in Bluffton, Ohio, a small town of about 3000 people. Quaker Earth was a beautiful natural refuge, on the northern part of Appalachia, with nothing but the sounds of the running ravine, birds, dogs, music, children playing make-believe, and grown ups having deep and meaningful conversations. In Bluffton, I remember the distant hum of Highway 75, the band practicing at Bluffton College, and neighbors talking (yes, you could hear your neighbors). When I was an adult, I moved to Newton, Kansas, where I was embraced by the sounds of the train coming through town, the Mennonite church bells ringing familiar hymns twice a day, cicadas, and the occasional college track meet.

For the most part, I have been audibly protected from the sounds of city traffic, sirens, car alarms, low-flying helicopters and airplanes, loud booms that resemble gunshots, or large-scale construction. Until now.

As much as sound has affected me aesthetically, it has also affected me spiritually. During my formative years, I participated in Friends Meeting with my parents. While our meeting unconventionally opened the time for worship with some singing together, the rest of the Meeting for Worship was spent in silent meditation. So, as a very young child I learned the importance and the comfort of complete silence. And that is where I found the most significant and compelling connection to God. So much, in fact, that I recently spent a good amount of time working with two spiritual companions, learning how to pray with words.

There are so many things I am learning about Colombia, about myself, and about being culturally aware. Colombia, as I know it thus far, is not quiet. There is, of course the "urban music" mentioned previously, but I would also argue that there is a cultural value here on loudness, unlike anything I have experienced thus far.

This is manifested in loud church services (an MCC friend of mine even confessed to turning down the amplifier at church when she went), loud birthday parties, loud meetings, loud music in restaurants, coffee shops, stores, loud(er) amplification at concerts, parks, etc. It is simply loud here.

This has provided general discomfort in most public situations, but it has most profoundly disrupted my ability to feel connected to a community of faith. It is not uncommon for my children to be covering their ears during the singing part of church. The music is louder than most concerts I have been to, so much so it is difficult to even hear your neighbor say something to you, even when they are yelling. Another cultural norm is that while one person is praying aloud into a microphone, many others around you are also praying aloud their own petitions and reinforcements on top the the first. At first I found this to be a pleasant, prayer-rumble of sound, but that was before I understood any Spanish. Now that I can actually understand what the lead prayer is saying, I find it audibly dizzying, at the least.

So, not unlike many of the difficult times I have had this year, I have to ask...what is the purpose of this for me? What is the lesson? Is there something about me that can be stretched by embracing the loudness around me? Is it meant to make me value the silence more?

Meanwhile, I listen. I try to understand the sounds around me, the volume that is in some way so important to my Colombian neighbors. Maybe this is just the soundtrack of the times that is meant to be part of my life here. And while it is so deeply uncomfortable, it is also unavoidable. I will continue to pray in silence and in whispers, not because I feel like that way is better than the rest, but because it feeds my spirit in the fullest way, and brings a peace that is otherwise so very hard to find.

supper

today we were all eating supper. the whole time there were funny things going on. but the funniest part was when my dad said...

"all the dishes are dirty...no i mean like all of them... ya know the stuff you put food on..."

Inspiration

"Let your faces be more radiant with hope and heavenly determination to serve the Cause of God, to spread the pure fragrances of the divine rose garden of unity, to awaken spiritual susceptibilities in the hearts of humankind, to kindle anew the spirit of humanity with divine fires and to reflect the glory of heaven to this gloomy world of materialism. When you possess these divine susceptibilities, you will be able to awaken and develop them in others." - Abdu'l-Baha"

blog post

I am making a blog post about summer...

Reflections on Mothering my Son

I am so very lucky to have a son who is extremely loving and sensitive. He has always been this way. When he was a baby, he loved to be cuddled, but infant massage was too much for him...it either hurt him because the pressure was too hard or it tickled him because the pressure was too soft. He loved to be held, but in very specific ways, so much so that Aaron often had to sleep sitting up with Andy resting tentatively on his chest. When we left him at preschool or Kindergarten, we needed to do so with very specific rituals, which included numerous kisses, love phrases, and squeezes. He is keenly aware of the energy and emotions of those around him. He can sense when someone is sad, and he is not just empathetic, he FEELS the same way. He is deeply and spiritually connected to dogs. He loves them with all his heart. He cannot handle it when a family member, especially a sister is hurt. He loves powerful things, because I think he can relate to them. Some people have experienced Andy as reactive, somewhat hyper, or even explosive. But this is his way of intensely responding and interacting with a situation.

In all of their endeavors, I hope for my children that they can learn new things about themselves and others, enjoy themselves, and expand their skills to the furthest extent they hope for. This is true for both sports and music, academics and art.

Our choice to use Attachment Parenting has been very important for Andy. When he is over-stimulated (emotionally or physically) he is calmed by close connection, empathy, reassurance, and a strong parental commitment to him, in whatever shape he is in. Of course we have struggled with many evenings of yelling and fighting, but generally with gentle and FIRM reassurance of our love, things get better. He has some difficulty regulating his emotions, and I truly believe that this is because he feels them deeper than others do in our family. People have varying pain tolerance, so doesn’t it also make sense for them to have varying emotional tolerance?

In sports, Andy has been fortunate to have two main coaches. The first was Aaron, who is a very skilled father, and very aware of Andy’s needs on and off the field. The second was our sweet friend Brad, who was also able to very gently encourage the best in Andy. Now we are faced with a hockey coach who is pushing him. Pushing him hard. Hard like making him cry. I try to explain to Andy that he is doing this because he wants to encourage Andy, that he wants Andy to get better, and he believes that Andy can get better. But he is humiliated, scared, and as a result, angry for the treatment he gets in training. This treatment spreads to the other members of the team, thus leaving Andy to feel more and more alienated. And then he gives up, not because he is “weak” but because he cannot stand the internal conflict it creates for him. In fact, this anger sometimes turns inward and becomes “I’m so stupid” and “Everybody hates me.”

I know that this is not the last experience we will have with coaches like this. I also know that this experience is far better than what could come in the future. I have seen coaches verbally abuse their children in inexcusable ways. So, how can I protect him from what he feels so deeply and intensely while preserving his ability to connect so intuitively with others? At the same time, how can I push him to be the best he can be without breaking part of his spirit that we hold so precious and true?

I often wonder how he will be able to make it in a world that values strong men, and even discourages sensitivity. I have seen him fight back tears in a group, try to prove himself adequately strong, and hide his true feelings about a situation. I am grateful that, despite machismo here, I have met very sweet and affectionate Colombian fathers, who seem to love deeply. I know these are models for him, as are his uncles and friends who understand him well. What more can we do to encourage him to be his real self, no matter how it may be received in society? What will we do when he falls in love? How can we protect him, but also give him the freedom to experience vulnerability and rise above it?

Andy is 10. In the coming years, we will celebrate his coming of age to manhood. I hope we can find some way to honor all of him, enough so that he will know that his powerful ability to love and connect to others is truly a gift, and not a curse. I want him to know that his investment in relationships and his intuitive emotional self has a welcomed place in this world.

body, brain, spirit

We are now settling into a daily life that does not involve school. It is a bit harder to adjust to this kind of rhythm when we are so used to our "normal" Kansas activities: Kauffman Museum Camp, Bible School, Swimming daily with friends, Camp Mennoscah, Bethel College Camps, Evening Potlucks with friends. And of course, this year, we cannot anticipate time with the cousins and Grandparents at the cabin and Camp Friedenswald.

Our family goal for the summer is that each day, we will do something for our body, our brain, and our spirit.

It has been fun to see how each person chooses to do this, whether it is learning how to type an email, spinning at the park, spending quiet time creating, or working out hard at hockey practice. Each evening we can talk about what we did for our body, our brain, and our spirit, and my hope it that this will help form an understanding for them about self-care and balance that they can use for the rest of their lives.